2.08.2005

Babyzilla... from the makers of Bridezilla

You've already heard, and maybe even seen, the effects of planning a wedding can have on a bride- sudden personality change mostly likened to a drill sargeant with a bottomless budget and an unberable attention to detail.

I now birng you: Babyzilla. This would be a pregnant woman who has lost all sense of reality and acquires one of everything ever made for a baby and is willing to pay fistfulls of cash to get "just what I want.... for our baby of course!"

I'd heard of the existance of babyzilla's but had not actually had the opportunity to interact with one until this morning. On my morning commute I sat next to a woman who is about 4 weeks ahead of me pregnancy -wise. I'd smiled at her on the bus and had a brief chat with her before so I really didn't know what I was getting myself into.

It started innocently enough...

"How are you feeling? Do you know what the sex is? Have you come up with names, yet?"

When I told her that we didn't want to know the sex she gasped, "How are you ever going to decorate the baby room?!?"

"I wasn't really planning to, all I really need is a changing table I'll use the rocking chair my mother used and ...."

"What about clothes? You won't know what color to get? I'm going to have a girl, everything is going to be pastel."

"The baby is going to be so small that I don't think it'll be too traumatic for it to wear yellow, green and beige. Actually... it won't even notice if I throw in something pink or blue. I mean, there's time to buy baby clothes after the baby comes! No need to get all the outfits now."

... the banter was starting to heat up and before I knew it we were talking cribs.

"Have you found a crib yet?" she asked as innocently as her first questions.

" Uh.. well, not really you see..."

"Oh, you must get one now! I was at Lullaby Lane and they didn't have the crib we wanted in stock so we had to put it on order and it could take up to 17 weeks? Can you believe it? You must start looking now otherwise you'll never get what you want... for your baby," she smiled to herself--even before she took a breath -- basking in the details.

"Well... my co-worker is going to lend me their crib and I was planning to just pick-up a matress at IKEA."

"What kind of matress?"

I shrug, "you know, a baby crib matress."

"Nononono. What I mean is.. will you get sping matress , a foam matress, a futon cotton matress, a down matress cover...."

I interrupt, "Does the baby really care what kind of matress it is?"

"Oh of course they do, you can also get combination matresses, spring and foam, along with other materials.. bla bla bla bla bla... I have a book where they've researched and scored every possible matress type."

I looked around at my fellow passengers desperately for some sign of support - each in their own world totally unaware of the charachter that was unfurling before them.

I was trapped.

The chattering from babyzilla started to wind down so I dared to make eye contact with her again.

"What about bedding? Did you get bedding? It can get so expensive, you really need to look for it online so that you can get good bargains on it."

Surprised to hear the b-word, my eyes opened wide and I asked, "So, what bargains did you get?"

"Oh.. I found a whole baby sheet set for $150! Isn't that great?!?"

I gulped remembering the "Bed-in-a-bag" one can purchase for a full size bed for under $45 -- I mean, seriously, how can sheets and a comforter that are 1/5th the size be almost four times the price?!?

"Did you register yet? I'm registered at BabiesRUs, Lullaby Lane, bla, bla bla bla. My husband and I had so much fun but you have to go early or they run out of the scanners and you won't be able to scan all the great stuff you want.. for the baby of course. We were there even before the doors opened, but soon the store was crowded with moms and babies and kids running around all over the place. But you should go online first, you'll find all these lists from moms of toddlers 'stuff I wish was invented when my tot was a baby', you can get lots of ideas there. You wouldn't believe what they've invented. I've registered for one of each and..."

Mercifully, my stop arrived. As I was getting up and walking off the bus she leaned on the edge of her seat, "Old Navy is having a maternity sale, don't forget to get maternity panties..."

She grabbed my arm before I made it to the door, pulled me down to look in her eyes.

She had a serious and desperate expression -- I guess she was going to say something really important -- "you won't regret it. You'll really need maternity panties."


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